God, what can we not see yet?

All I could think about today, during my jog, was the loss of Nolan James and how it's just not fair.  I was running and actually started crying.  I had to stop just sort of sobbing because jogging and crying just doesn't work well for coordination. 

I kept asking God why he took Nolan and why he would do this to Lisa.  My thoughts turned to my friend's song titled "Blame".  It says "You can blame curse my name/You can say you don’t need me/Just don’t leave and don’t think /That I’ve ever left you now/Cuz I love you still /And I’m holding you right now (Listen for yourself: http://marialong.com/) This left me crying even more because I could only pray and hope that Lisa felt God holding her and comforting her in this time of sadness.  

We are told to find the silver lining and that the grass is always greener on the other side...

Who told us that God allows this to happen and who teaches us to prepare for these things?  No one.  No one can ever tell you about these moments because everyone has their own moment in times like this.  It's just so hard to understand when a child is taken.  One that is so beautiful and full of life. One that was so young. 

I was not fortunate to have met him yet.  He was not even four months and I had planned to visit over the summer, but I lost my chance.  To those who were able to meet him, I'm sure their lives will never be the same.  

Lisa, I can only imagine that God must have something special planned for you.  There's no other explanation of why he would put you through something like this.  I certainly don't have the same right that you do, to be upset, hurt, angry, lost, and more...just know that you are not alone.  I wish nothing but love and memories of the mother that you are (you will always be a mother) and of the moments you had with your son.  Between holding his little hands, little feet, making him laugh...

I am in a moment of anger right now and just can't seem to get over it.  Despite everything, he's gone.  Nothing will change that.  

I think I need to run again soon.  I will move on and realize that I'm only feeling a fraction of what you are Lisa Marie.  I just know that, as a mother, no one can ever understand quite what you're going through.  But by letting people be there for you, it does help get through whatever you need to get through.  

RIP little Nolan "bear" James.  You are loved and missed!